The congestion on the left side of my head did not seem that major, but when the month long antibiotic treatment my doctor put me on did not work, I began to become concerned. Not extremely concerned, but enough so that when the next specialist I saw felt that I should get an MRI, I realized that I did not really have a choice. So, the paperwork was filled out and the insurance company was notified. It did not take long for me to get a call back from my insurance company.
“Mr. Brader?”
“Yes.”
“This is Marge from Freelancers Union. We received all of your paperwork for the MRI and we believe it is a medical necessity, and we are going to cover the MRI.”
“That is great, thank you so much.”
“You're Welcome. I hope things turn out for the best.”
I got off the phone with them feeling great about my insurance company, and feeling that with the money I have to pay them every month, finally it was paying off.
I missed a call from the Medical Center, but they did leave a message for me:
“Mr. Brader, we have you all set for your appointment tomorrow, just know that there is an amount due when you come in for the visit.”
I tried to call them back, but they had left for the day. Knowing that my insurance company requires a co-pay, I was not worried.
The day of the MRI was an early morning, and I am not that great at early mornings. Jumped out of bed at
7am, got dressed and Suzanne and I were ready to leave the house by 8:18. We went to The Naked Café for breakfast and then ran over to the Medical Center for my 9:10 appointment.
The Center was huge and beautiful. It looked like it was a brand new building. We had to walk down a long corridor to office 110. The door opened to reveal a large waiting area beautifully furnished. Straight ahead were three different stations to talk with receptionists; to the right is the waiting area, large soft squishy chairs to sit in, wall to wall carpeting and a huge TV on the wall, with an aquarium video playing on it. I walked up to the first receptionist. She was a young lady with long black hair and a very reassuring smile.
“Mr. Brader?”
“Yes.”
“This is Marge from Freelancers Union. We received all of your paperwork for the MRI and we believe it is a medical necessity, and we are going to cover the MRI.”
“That is great, thank you so much.”
“You're Welcome. I hope things turn out for the best.”
I got off the phone with them feeling great about my insurance company, and feeling that with the money I have to pay them every month, finally it was paying off.
I missed a call from the Medical Center, but they did leave a message for me:
“Mr. Brader, we have you all set for your appointment tomorrow, just know that there is an amount due when you come in for the visit.”
I tried to call them back, but they had left for the day. Knowing that my insurance company requires a co-pay, I was not worried.
The day of the MRI was an early morning, and I am not that great at early mornings. Jumped out of bed at
7am, got dressed and Suzanne and I were ready to leave the house by 8:18. We went to The Naked Café for breakfast and then ran over to the Medical Center for my 9:10 appointment.The Center was huge and beautiful. It looked like it was a brand new building. We had to walk down a long corridor to office 110. The door opened to reveal a large waiting area beautifully furnished. Straight ahead were three different stations to talk with receptionists; to the right is the waiting area, large soft squishy chairs to sit in, wall to wall carpeting and a huge TV on the wall, with an aquarium video playing on it. I walked up to the first receptionist. She was a young lady with long black hair and a very reassuring smile.
“Can I help you?”
“I'm here for an MRI.”
“Name.”
“Bob Brader.”
She looked on her computer, nodded her head and grabbed a clipboard.
“I need you to fill these out. Top page, verify name and address, sign at the bottom. Next page, read and sign. Next page, fill out this part and sign. Next page, date and sign. Next page, mark off all that apply, date and sign. Next page, date and sign. Next page, Initial here, date and sign. Next page, date sign, initial at the bottom and then bring all of the forms up to me.”
I hate filling out these forms, it's always the same: no major operations, allergic to penicillin, I promise at this moment I feel like no matter how much you fuck up I will not sue you. That one makes no sense to me. Of course if you fuck up I am going to sue you. But I have to sign this form in order to have a doctor see me. A very weird catch 22.
Then comes a section that I have never seen before. It is two columns going down the whole page asking about metal:
Any wire sutures?
Any electrodes?
Neurosimulators?
Any metal slivers in eye?!!!
What the fuck?! I finally sign, date and initial every form and bring it back up to the nice receptionist.
“Thanks. Would you like to take care of the payment?” She asked in her nicest, and yet seemingly concerned voice.
“Sure, how much is it?”
“Six hundred and ninety five dollars.”
“What? I have insurance, they told me I was covered.”
“You are covered, but you have a three thousand dollar deductible. This rate is a discounted rate for you. We tell the insurance company it was over a thousand.”
“This sucks.”
I look at Suzanne like I am ready to go, and I am. It is Suzanne’s level head and her love for me that come through.
“What are you talking about? We are here now. Just put it on the credit card and we'll take care of it. Nothing is more important than our health. I love you, this is important. We are doing this.”
So, I gave her our credit card and we went back to sit on the cushy chairs. We did not have to wait long before a technician came in.
“Bob..Bob Brader.”
I stood up.
“Right this way. Can you verify your birth date for me?”
“9/15/67”
“Great. Have you ever had an MRI before?”
“No, this will be my first.”
We started walking out the door.
“Our MRI area is under construction so we have these trailers that we are using for now.”
It reminded me of the trailer that my grandparents lived in. Small, but sturdy and I hoped secure. I was also praying that no tornados were due to arrive during the time of my MRI. We walked up five make shift steps to enter the trailer.
“I'm here for an MRI.”
“Name.”
“Bob Brader.”
She looked on her computer, nodded her head and grabbed a clipboard.
“I need you to fill these out. Top page, verify name and address, sign at the bottom. Next page, read and sign. Next page, fill out this part and sign. Next page, date and sign. Next page, mark off all that apply, date and sign. Next page, date and sign. Next page, Initial here, date and sign. Next page, date sign, initial at the bottom and then bring all of the forms up to me.”
I hate filling out these forms, it's always the same: no major operations, allergic to penicillin, I promise at this moment I feel like no matter how much you fuck up I will not sue you. That one makes no sense to me. Of course if you fuck up I am going to sue you. But I have to sign this form in order to have a doctor see me. A very weird catch 22.
Then comes a section that I have never seen before. It is two columns going down the whole page asking about metal:
Any wire sutures?
Any electrodes?
Neurosimulators?
Any metal slivers in eye?!!!
What the fuck?! I finally sign, date and initial every form and bring it back up to the nice receptionist.
“Thanks. Would you like to take care of the payment?” She asked in her nicest, and yet seemingly concerned voice.
“Sure, how much is it?”
“Six hundred and ninety five dollars.”
“What? I have insurance, they told me I was covered.”
“You are covered, but you have a three thousand dollar deductible. This rate is a discounted rate for you. We tell the insurance company it was over a thousand.”
“This sucks.”
I look at Suzanne like I am ready to go, and I am. It is Suzanne’s level head and her love for me that come through.
“What are you talking about? We are here now. Just put it on the credit card and we'll take care of it. Nothing is more important than our health. I love you, this is important. We are doing this.”
So, I gave her our credit card and we went back to sit on the cushy chairs. We did not have to wait long before a technician came in.
“Bob..Bob Brader.”
I stood up.
“Right this way. Can you verify your birth date for me?”
“9/15/67”
“Great. Have you ever had an MRI before?”
“No, this will be my first.”
We started walking out the door.“Our MRI area is under construction so we have these trailers that we are using for now.”
It reminded me of the trailer that my grandparents lived in. Small, but sturdy and I hoped secure. I was also praying that no tornados were due to arrive during the time of my MRI. We walked up five make shift steps to enter the trailer.
The whole place was very tiny and a bit cramped. It was sectioned off into two areas. The first was what I called the Tech Booth. It was where the technician sat and ran the show. Everything was on a desk that came out from the wall. The desk ran the length of the tech section. The main part of the desk was taken up with a computer that had two monitors. At the end of the desk was a large box that the Tech opened with a key attached to a large yellow necklace.
“Do you have any valuables or wallet or jacket, please place it in here. I will lock it and the key will stay in the room with you.”
I placed my jacket in the box and was lead through a door to the second part of the trailer, the MRI part.
The machine was huge and all white. I felt small in front of it. I laid down on the table, looking up at the Tech. At that moment he reminded me of Ken Leung who played Miles on Lost. I thought for a brief moment that maybe I was going to be transported into a different time or alternate reality. But that daydream was broken by Miles.
“OK, so the test is about 15, 20 minutes and then you get an injection and we go for another 5 or 10 minutes. Here, you are going to need these, it gets loud in there.”
He handed me a pair of squishy ear plugs. They did not fit that well, but I did manage to cram them in.
“They want to see a dye test, and run it against the regular MRI. Just relax and if you have any trouble just give this a squeeze and I will be in to help asap.”
He handed me what looked like an old fashioned camera bulb. I smiled thinking that when you get really scared in the tube, you squeeze the bulb and they get a picture of you looking all terrified. Like they do on roller coasters.
“Ready?”
I laid down on the table and nodded. He pulled what looked like a plastic cage down to my shoulders, and had the table slide into the tunnel. As my arms brushed against the side of the tunnel, I was suddenly in an immense state of fear. I was transported to a different time. It was a moment in my past that I had forgotten all about. I was about 10 playing at my great-grandmother's house. She lived around train tracks and there were lots of large pipes that you could climb in. It was something I had done for years. I would go down by the train tracks and hide in the large metal tubes. They were very tight and it felt secure being in them. On the day that was now flashing in my head I was playing with my friend Suzy and I was showing her the tubes. Not sure why, but on this day I got stuck. I couldn’t move. I yelled for Suzy to help me, but she was scared and ran home. I was alone and trapped.
I squeezed the bulb.
“Hold it a minute.”
He had the bed come back out of the tunnel, pushed the cage away from my face and I sat up.
“Sorry, I did not expect that to affect me that way.”
“No problem, lots of people go through that. We have an open MRI machine about an hour and a half away. I can set up an appointment for you at that facility.”
“No, it’s OK, let’s do it.”
I did not want to go to another hospital and go through all of this again, not to mention the fact that the other MRI may be more expensive. Just relax Bob, just relax. As I laid back down, I thought about getting out of the tube when I was a kid.
“Do you have any valuables or wallet or jacket, please place it in here. I will lock it and the key will stay in the room with you.”
I placed my jacket in the box and was lead through a door to the second part of the trailer, the MRI part.
The machine was huge and all white. I felt small in front of it. I laid down on the table, looking up at the Tech. At that moment he reminded me of Ken Leung who played Miles on Lost. I thought for a brief moment that maybe I was going to be transported into a different time or alternate reality. But that daydream was broken by Miles.“OK, so the test is about 15, 20 minutes and then you get an injection and we go for another 5 or 10 minutes. Here, you are going to need these, it gets loud in there.”
He handed me a pair of squishy ear plugs. They did not fit that well, but I did manage to cram them in.
“They want to see a dye test, and run it against the regular MRI. Just relax and if you have any trouble just give this a squeeze and I will be in to help asap.”
He handed me what looked like an old fashioned camera bulb. I smiled thinking that when you get really scared in the tube, you squeeze the bulb and they get a picture of you looking all terrified. Like they do on roller coasters.
“Ready?”
I laid down on the table and nodded. He pulled what looked like a plastic cage down to my shoulders, and had the table slide into the tunnel. As my arms brushed against the side of the tunnel, I was suddenly in an immense state of fear. I was transported to a different time. It was a moment in my past that I had forgotten all about. I was about 10 playing at my great-grandmother's house. She lived around train tracks and there were lots of large pipes that you could climb in. It was something I had done for years. I would go down by the train tracks and hide in the large metal tubes. They were very tight and it felt secure being in them. On the day that was now flashing in my head I was playing with my friend Suzy and I was showing her the tubes. Not sure why, but on this day I got stuck. I couldn’t move. I yelled for Suzy to help me, but she was scared and ran home. I was alone and trapped.
I squeezed the bulb.
“Hold it a minute.”
He had the bed come back out of the tunnel, pushed the cage away from my face and I sat up.
“Sorry, I did not expect that to affect me that way.”
“No problem, lots of people go through that. We have an open MRI machine about an hour and a half away. I can set up an appointment for you at that facility.”
“No, it’s OK, let’s do it.”
I did not want to go to another hospital and go through all of this again, not to mention the fact that the other MRI may be more expensive. Just relax Bob, just relax. As I laid back down, I thought about getting out of the tube when I was a kid.
I knew I was too far away for anyone to hear me if I screamed. I thought for a moment, catching my breath and telling myself to calm down. Just relax Bob, just relax. I sucked in my stomach and pulled my arms up over my head trying to make myself smaller and was able to wiggle my way out of the tube. I never told anyone about that and Suzy and I were still friends, but the train tracks did not feel like such a safe place to be anymore, and I had to find another hiding place. I laid back down on the table and he pulled the cage down to my shoulders and I felt the table going back into the tube. I took a few deep breathes, and only then did I noticed the mirror that was attached to the cage. It was situated right over my eyes and positioned in such a way that I was able to see my feet, the whole room and a window looking into the Tech Booth. Because of that mirror I did not feel trapped, and all of the fear disappeared.
I watched in the mirror as the Tech sat down and got ready. I was not sure what to expect and when the broken symphony of distorted sounds started, I was intrigued by it. I first started to think of songs that had
that particular sound in them. It was very random and I thought mostly of Nine Inch Nails and Ministry songs. Before long, I saw the Tech come back into the room.“OK, keep your head still and I will give you the shot and we can keep going.”
He did not remove the cage, and I could not see what he was doing at all.
“OK, just a little pinch, sorry about this.”
The needle hit with a slight sting and I was wondering how long this would take, because a regular shot is quick, and he is still standing here, and that needle is still in my arm. It must have been a lot of fluid that was pumped into me, because it took a while. At least that's how it felt not being able to see anything that was going on.
“OK, all done, almost finished now.”
I was starting to go back into the tunnel.
This time the noise had two very distinct rhythms and sounds. The first one was like the opening guitar riff from AC/DC’s "Highway To Hell", and the other was a gentle light knocking sound, like something out of Tony Orlando and Dawn’s "Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if you Want Me". I started to think that this machine was trying to measure my good side and my bad side, like it was trying to get a response from my Primus side as well as my Barry Manilow side. This sent my brain into overdrive and my internal monologue took over.
“What can you really see over there Miles? What is this brain showing you? Can you see all the pain, all the joy, all the victories or the defeats that this brain has gone through? All the loves, betrayals, heartaches and yearnings that this brain has encountered? I have experience more than I ever thought I would, more then anyone ever thought I could. I have fallen down below what I ever thought was bottom, and I have soared to highs that made me dizzy. Can you see all the love I have for my wife or all the fear I have over this thing with my head? Can you see if I am going crazy or if I am imaging this whole thing? No, you can’t tell me any of that can you? You have no idea what this brain has been through and your machine could never discover all of the things that we have experienced together." The table started moving out of the tunnel. During my mind's rant I had forgotten all about the Tech sitting in the control booth and actually had my eyes closed.
“All done, Mr. Brader.”
He pushed the cage off my face.
“What will happen is someone will look over the MRI, write up a report and then send it to your doctor. You should hear something by next week.”
I walked out of the trailer and back into the hospital to get Suzanne. She was sitting in one of the squishy chairs looking down at her iPhone, and I took a moment to look at her, like I tend to do from time to time, noticing just how beautiful she is, and feeling all of the love that I have for her and just soaking it in for a moment. And my brain thought, that machine could never see that.
