Driving Test

This is in honor of my one year anniversary of being a licensed driver!!

We pulled up in front of the DMV and I was incredibly nervous.  These three girls were standing out front, all of them very perky, young and pissed.
“He said I wasn’t going fast enough, and last time he said I went too fast.  They can fuckin’ eat me.”
Her girlfriends were in total agreement, and I knew I had to divert my attention.  None of them realize what a huge responsibility a license is. 
He looked to be about fifty, balding with grey hair forming a perfect horseshoe on the side of his head, and he had a very friendly smile.  He had a small black canvas case in his hand that held the small computer that would decide my fate. 
I got into the driver’s side, and he got into the passenger side.  He started fumbling around with all of these papers that he had inside the canvas case, trying to get the computer ready.  The papers were folded in all different ways, it looked amazingly unorganized and I immediately thought of Columbo.  He wants me to think he is a bumbling mess, so he can trip me up on this test.

“AAAA…Do you have your permit?”
I handed him my permit without saying a word.  I am innocent Mr. Columbo, I know how to drive. 
“And  AAAA...Your certificate for the class.” 
I pulled it out of my pocket in a second.
He scanned that certificate and handed me back my permit.  He was still fumbling around with all of his papers when he said: “When you are ready you can pull out.”

I waited, put my seatbelt on, fixed my mirrors, even though I didn’t need to, and turned the key with my foot on the brake.  You are not going to trip me up on the easy stuff Mr. Colombo.  I put on my turn signal and got ready to pull out.  I checked my blind spot by turning my head; something that I kept forgetting to do during my driving lessons, and I started easing out. Just then little miss perky and pissed with her two friends decided to run in front of the car.  I stopped easily and even waved them along.  You see how relaxed I am Mr. Columbo?
We started down the road a bit and he was still fumbling with his papers.
“AAAA…Make a left up here.”
I hit the blinker and made a beautiful left turn; I think it was a personal best. 
“AAAA...Pull up to that car and Parallel Park.”
I hit the blinker, Looked at my blind spots and started backing up, but as I was going back I noticed I was pretty far away from the curb, so I pulled it in a little more, then straightened out and put it in park.  It was not horrible, but not great. 
“Now make a three point turn please.”
I hit the blinker, checked the mirrors and pulled out.
“You need to check behind you  when pulling out right?”  Columbo has now stopped playing with his papers.
I made the rest of the turn well and we went back down the street. 
“Turn right at the stop sign.”
We are heading back to the DMV.  Oh well, I thought, maybe I shouldn’t be behind the wheel anyway.  The dreams, the fear, it’s all telling me to stay in my place.  Why did I think I could do this?
I made the turn. 
“Now at the next street, make a right.”
The test wasn’t over, and I suddenly felt like I had a shot at passing this test.  As soon as I made the turn I saw a huge truck in my lane, not moving at all.  We drove up the street to the truck; traffic on my left was coming in the opposite direction.  I had to wait; this wait was amazingly stressful.  Car after car just kept coming down the road.  I had hoped he would go back to fumbling with his papers.  Instead he just sat there watching me.  It seemed to last forever.  I was just about to make my move when a red sports car came flying down the road.  I turned to Columbo.
“This sports car seems like it’s in a hurry, so I’m going to wait for him.”
He nodded and just kept watching me. 
I passed the truck, hit my blinker and immediately went over to my lane. 
“Make a left here.”
I made the turn and it was good, not great, but good.
“Make the next left.” 
I couldn’t see a left turn coming up, no signals, no road marker, no only lanes, no turn lanes. 
“Left, the next left!”
Finally I noticed the turn.  It looked like a driveway, but it was really a road.  I signaled and went for the turn, just as I was in mid-turn a guy ran across the street.  I waited for him in the middle of the road, then proceeded to make the turn.
“Sorry I didn’t see the turn.”
“Not all turns are marked with a sign or signal.  Sometimes you just have to look.”

We drove down the road. 
“Make a right here and pull over.” 
I looked and noticed that we were right across the street from the DMV, a block from where we started.  Columbo went back to fumbling with his papers and I was just relieved it was over.  I had been stressing about this test for so long, and now I knew what to expect.  Next time it will seem easier, and I do need more practice, this was a bit sloppy, I totally understand him failing me.
He pushed a few buttons on the computer and then a piece of paper flowed out of his machine, like a credit card slip.
“Please sign this.”
He looked annoyed, and in a hurry.
I was looking for a retest date or for him to tell me again about all of the mistakes I made that forced him to fail me. 
“This is your temporary license, keep it with your permit until you receive your permanent license.”
“You mean I passed?”
“Yeah.”
He got out of the car and I was shocked and shaken.  I got an adrenaline rush that made my whole body shake.  Every part of my body was excited and invigorated.  I did it!  I passed!  Aubry, my driving teacher, drove me home, and only after I got home and it was all over did the fear come back.

Why did he give me a license?  I’m not ready to be a driver.  I still make stupid mistakes.  How could that guy have passed me?  Was he paid off by someone? How can he know that I am ready to put other people’s lives in jeopardy, with only a five minute test?  He doesn’t know how good I am under pressure.  How well I am going to be able to handle going 70 miles per hour?  He doesn’t know my fears or doubts.  I was so excited to get my license, but I knew I should not be on the road.  Maybe he felt sorry for me, poor 42 year old guy, still not driving, poor loser.  How can he tell I’m not crazy, that I’m not going to ram the car into some poor child or hit pedestrians crossing the street?  I mean hell, they are right there in front of me.  Just some pressure on the gas and bang I have just changed that person’s life forever.  Could I live with that?  Can I accept that I won’t do those things?  That I won’t get drunk and think I can drive home?  Can I handle the responsibility of being behind the wheel?  Who the fuck does that guy think he is; with the push of a button he has put tons of steel and glass legally at my disposal.  Didn’t he notice I wasn’t ready?  Did I fool him?  Or was he just not paying attention.

This is Vegas?

Suzanne happens to be one of the biggest Vegas fans I know. She can name almost all of the hotels on the strip, knows where the best shopping is, the best places to eat, she loves Vegas. At the risk of being unpopular, especially with my wonderful wife, I did not like Vegas. Maybe it was because we only had one night to see everything, but the whole place looked to me to be all set up and no bang. It was like being at Disney World with all of the magic and fantasy of a major attraction, without the satisfaction of getting on a ride.
We got majorly lucky in the fact that we got set up in a hotel that we should have never been set up in. We got into some deal that was being done with Planet Hollywood, and their new condo. They were having people stay over to try and sell them a condo. It was way less than it should have been and it was like being a celebrity. It had a great view of the strip, huge TV and two smaller ones throughout the room, huge bed, Jacuzzi in the bedroom, huge bathroom, wonderful shower and a special door for the john. It was the most amazing room I have ever had the pleasure of staying in. If we had stayed in the room, I think I would have loved Vegas.
It was venturing out into that world that gave me pause. I am not a gambler, I never have been. To me gambling is fun for about an hour maybe two. I will play the slots for a bit, a little electronic poker, and maybe watch some people play blackjack but then I am done. I just don’t like playing games like that when I know that I am just not going to win. I find it boring. So, we walked around a lot and I got to see a lot of Vegas. It is very pretty, and reminded me a lot of Disneyworld. Every moment I was like, “What ride is this?” Only to find out it was just another casino.
Vegas just left me a bit cold. Especially the day after, when all of the neon is off and you can see that they are just buildings, and you notice the people walking with their heads down. You can feel loss and emptiness.
However, here are some of the things I loved about Vegas: the Bellagio fountains were beautiful and I was really happy I got a chance to see them, the big ball of light from the show Vegas, the Caesars Palace shopping area was amazing, our room, and being in that place with Suzanne was what really made it special.
I am hoping to go back to Vegas again and see what my wife and millions of people every year see. I know I am missing something, I just don’t know what it is.